yesallboys

I went to my second ever meeting of MOPS today. That’s Mothers of Preschoolers. Our speaker was a psychologist who spoke on parenting, setting an example, and dealing with a strong-willed child. Now my 3 year old is particularly a VERY strong-willed child. He’s loving and snuggly, but if it’s not his idea, he’ll have none of it and loudly let you know.

I spoke with the speaker afterwards because I can’t count how many times I’ve come to the end of my rope when NOTHING works for discipline. She suggested I put him in a room with half a door or a baby gate up and just sit him in there for his time out (he bounces in and out of corners, doesn’t work). She advised that for awhile he’ll probably scream and carry on but if I stick to it, it will work. This was coming from a mother of 4 very strong-willed children so I figured she knew what she was talking about (not to mention her degree).

As if to punctuate my talk with her, I went to get Gabriel out of his classroom and he wanted to stay and play. I ended up dragging a screaming, crying, kicking child out of the room and outside while clutching desperately on to my sleeping almost 7 month old baby. Talented? Yes, I am.

Gabriel definitely responds to positivity much better than negativity, but I’m not wired for that. In my day you got a spanking or were grounded. In this day we’re all about positive reinforcement and positive discipline over negative punishment. A fine line is drawn between negative punishment (i.e. spanking) and negative discipline (time-outs, losing privileges).

The biggest (and best) point she made today was that everyone’s children are different. Some are passive, some are aggressive, some are outgoing, and some are introverted. Each child reacts to things in their own individual way. Each needs their own form of parenting and guidance to bring out the best in them and curb the worst. And it is very hard for parents of passive children to understand why the parents of aggressive, strong-willed children have a harder time handling them.

If you have a strong-willed child, you are definitely not alone. You are also not along in the fact that they require special care and handling as opposed to the passive, easy-going child. Don’t overwhelm them with a bunch of rules. Focus on a small handful (the psychologist recommended 3 or 4 for a 3 year old), and work on consistency with them. Find the technique that works best and be aware that no method of discipline is 100% effective or foolproof. There will be days that nothing seems to work. Somehow, we get through them, exhausted and ready to hibernate for the winter. These days, however, are overshadowed by the sunny days of mass cooperation we all yearn for.

Give your child a hug today. And work with them, not against them.

There is an invaluable importance to the term “Date Night.” The vast majority of parents, particularly with many kids, have forgotten what this even means. Going on a date? That’s SOOOOOOOO ten years ago!

While I was pregnant with our 5th total, Orion, my husband and I made it a point to go on a date every Friday night. We’d find a babysitter, usually my mother-in-law, and make a beeline for the door before she could change her mind. I remember sitting in the local comedy club 36 weeks pregnant and laughing so hard I thought I was going to push him out right then and there. However, when he was born those treasure date nights vanished into thin air, replaced by sleepless nights, sore breasts, and nagging children who craved the same amount of attention the baby required simply because he required it.

Date nights were out of the question during those first few months of breastfeeding, but gradually we were able to leave him with my mother in law for an hour or two at a time. We armed her with pumped milk and a bottle that he might or might not take. However, we still only went out once or twice.

Now that Orion is nearly 7 months old, he is much easier to take to my mother in law’s house. He’ll eat a jar of baby food and cereal if he gets hungry, and she is very good with him. She is a modern-day pied piper….minus the whole abduction thing.

Is there a point to this, you ask? Of course. There is a point to everything. When my husband and I began taking some date nights out, we felt so much better and relaxed. Tension melted away as we felt like teenagers again, walking through the mall holding hands or sitting at a restaurant sharing appetizers. I swear on every penny we have that it helped me be a better parent.

So many parents don’t take breaks and feel guilty about even yearning for one. You aren’t a better parent for constantly being around your children, you’re a better parent for recognizing and accepting the fact that you shouldn’t always be. Women need “Girls’ Night Out.” Men need “Guy Time.” Couples, above and beyond all else, need “Us” time to reconnect as adults and as a pair in love. It is your job to nurture your relationship with your husband, boyfriend, or otherwise significant other, if you want it to last with less stress and turmoil and more happiness and, gasp!, love.

Do what it takes to get out with your man and reconnect. Reconnect. RECONNECT.

I inadvertently discovered today’s topic when I checked one of my cafemom boards and read a post from a distraught mother whose beloved 2 year old son keeps hitting, despite her attempts to discipline and explain that hitting hurts people. This led me to one of my favorite soapboxes, upon which standing makes me feel all-powerful and all-knowing. Okay, not really, but it sounded good.

The common problem this poor mom’s post is related to is the fact that we all tell our children not to express their feelings. This is not in relation to how good our parenting is, but more in relation to the fact that we tend to concentrate more on their expression of anger in a negative way and take steps to squelch that behavior; in fact, we should be encouraging such expression, but in a positive manner. It is fine to send Tommy to time-out when he repeatedly hits his little brother, but what are we doing afterwards to show him HOW to express that anger in the future in a constructive manner?

How much easier would it be for little Hayley to show that she is angry by drawing it out on a piece of paper, rather than smashing her little brother’s fingers in the door because he won’t get out of her room? Jonny might be healthier on an emotional level if he was allowed to display his anger on his pillow, rather than kicking his friends in the shin. Encourage them to TALK to  you about their feelings and the situation that caused them, rather than straight up disciplining for everything and unconsciously asserting that they should keep their feelings hidden. When they talk, close that flapper and LISTEN to them. Let them get it all out without fear of punishment or judgement.

Too often we forget that even though they are not adults, they need ways to express their feelings. It’s up to us to teach them healthy outlets rather than squash any hope of them ever expressing anything, particularly in a healthy way. Come up with what best fits the needs of your child, because no two children are alike. What works for one may not work for another.

It is up to us to bring emotionally healthy children into the world to lead the next generation. Will you get on the bandwagon?